Inconsolable
by hime the stars shine bright
Summary: Everything that he held in was everything he couldn't let go. Ichiruki. post-423.


_I don't wanna live like this. I just wanna let you know- that everything that I hold in, is everything I can't let go._

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**Inconsolable**

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_(1 month after Rukia's departure)_

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At first, his dreams were all the same. They consisted of Mugetsu and Aizen's deep, hidden desperation to be on par with someone; of Tensa Zangetsu's tears and the look in Ichimaru Gin's eyes as he breathed his last. The flutter of his bindings and hollow transformations would play over and over in his mind, like a broken record. Ichigo got used to it to the point where he didn't need to think about it very much. Day by day, it got easier to ignore; just like his feelings.

But slowly, his dreams changed. Memories that he was trying so hard to push into the back of his mind forced themselves forward when he had no control over his mind. And as the scenarios changed, so did the people who appeared in his dreams. And then-

And then, she appeared, too.

With the look on her face, that pained, almost melancholy smile; violet eyes that looked so alive and so despairing. He dreamt of her face many times; those same delicate features with morose written across them. And every time, he would wake with a start, shooting up straight out of bed, tangled in sweat soaked sheets and his heart racing. He'd sit there for who knows how long just waiting for his heart to calm down, fists balled, gripping his sheets tightly, eyes shut, trying to block her out- her face, her voice, her name. Anything that was her or lead to her or could possible lead to her.

He wouldn't sleep again that night.

_(I try to sleep; but the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me.)_

The next morning was a Saturday. No school.

Ichigo woke up late, tired and agitated from the lack of sleep and those mental pictures playing over in his head, went downstairs to the kitchen. He knew the house would be empty now- Karin was at a soccer game, Yuzu was studying at a friend's place, and his father was probably in the clinic.

Yuzu had already set out his breakfast on the table. Ichigo sank into his chair without bothering to glance at it, leaning his arm against the table, and closed his eyes, tired of the surreal mind-battle he was playing with himself.

_Only once since Kuchiki Rukia's departure had Kurosaki Ichigo sat silently and thought of her. _

He wondered what she was doing right now, if she was happy, if she missed him at all. Did she ever think of him like this? He hoped not. Too painful, and Rukia-

Rukia doesn't deserve any more pain.

He thought of her face, violet eyes that glared when he teased her about her drawings and shut when she smiled, like when he knocked his knuckles against her forehead gently, or closed gently when she would fall asleep in his closet, or looked up at him with the most remorseful and upset feeling when it came down to their final moments together.

No. Certainly not pain.

Pure frustration and grievance builds in his heart; tension levels begin to soar. Ichigo thinks.

About her.

_Will you answer if I ask? It's our problem...your deep..deep problem. I don't know how to ask. A good way to step deep into your heart is to ask without soiling it. I don't have such way. That's why I will wait when you want to talk tell me. I'll wait in tell then._

"You said..."

(He was talking to himself.)

_I...I'm going to stay here, in the Soul Society._

_Save the reunion for later!_

_You must be tired from balancing schoolwork with shinigami work all the time. Use this chance to spread your wings!_

_Take one step closer... and I...I will never forgive you!_

_That's the kind of man you have been in my heart, Ichigo!_

"Now..."

(Am I not in your heart any longer?)

_Are you making fun of me?_

_I'm not gonna thank you... I won't!_

_This is farewell, Ichigo._

(It really was farewell...)

_What? Don't look so sad. Even if you can no longer see me, I can still see you._

_"Liar!"_ In a single second of uncontrolled irritation and resentment, Ichigo brought his fist down on the table, teeth gritted, with a loud _slam._

He didn't pay any attention to his actions, his mind focused on pulling his seemingly pathetic self together; until he heard a light crash near the side of the table, on the floor. Ichigo stood, glancing over, to realize he'd knocked over a glass of water Yuzu had probably left for him, and it had shattered, water and broken pieces of glass littering the floor in a small puddle.

He knelt, annoyed with himself, to pick the glass shards up, when his eyes widened at the site and realization dawned on him, that to his horror-

_Chappy bunnies_ danced on the glass shards.

_(A thousand more regrets unraveling.)_

Ichigo stared at the broken glass, in shock.

(What did I just do...?)

He got down on his knees, very slowly; his anger dissolving, and leaving nothing but pure heartache. Gently, Ichigo picked out the largest piece of glass, staring at the innocent seeming bunny smiling at him. Water drips from the table slowly.

* * *

_"Ichigo!"_

_"Ehh?" You look back at her face- obviously she's excited, but trying to keep a calm look._

_"Those," she points matter-of-factly to a shelf of small glasses with bunnies dancing around at the base of the cup, eyes shining. "Are perfect."_

_"No way."_

_She frowns at you, and you feel satisfied because you do not want any Chappy the Bunny glasses- please spare him that event._

_"C'mon, please? What've you got against Chappy?" She demands to know._

_"A lot of things."_

_Her expression goes from dissapointed to sort of sad, "Please? You don't have to use them." She pleads, violet eyes blinking up at you._

_Innocent._

_"...Fine... hey, why are you buying two?"_

_"We're getting them as a set, Ichigo! That's how it is, isn't it?" She beams up at him, "They'll keep each other company!"_

_"It's a glass, Rukia."_

_"So? I keep you company!" _

_"It's not the same thing, though." but he smiled anyway._

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* * *

_Kurosaki Ichigo does not cry.

The very thought of him doing something like that is absurd; not in his character at all.

So he sits and stares at the broken glass until his eyes burn and water.

(They were a pair. They kept each other company and were there for each other. They understood each other beyond comparison. Now one is gone. What does the other do?)

Later, he'll sweep up the glass and wipe up the water before his family gets home and notice something's wrong.

But until then, he'll sit and just think.

_(I'm inconsolable.)_

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**END**

**Review, please? Tell me- the last sentence... was it about Ichigo and Rukia or that set of Chappy the Bunny glasses?  
**


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